There have been days when people, and by that I mean those who possess some genuine interest, have asked me how I am. Anymore, I tend to take that question with more than a little pause for thought, mainly because I think they, 1) are my friends and are, therefore, interested, which means I cannot simply say, "Oh, fine", and 2) are making sure I haven't frantically scavenged my room for small edible tablets, out of date or otherwise, that might usher an early demise.
Today, a number of people, some of whom I've seen recently and others not so much, have proferred the question, "How are you?" My heart lurched with each question, as it has over the past year and half, but something different also happened. I was complacent this time, instead of wary, sad or resentful.
Complacence: not a word I'd advocate using too often, but here its usage is as appropriate as that of a child's aboard a sinking ship. Take it for what it is.
First and primarily, it is important to me that I bring to mention the vagaries of fate that continue to confound and befuddle me. Last night around 10pm, I distinctly remember thinking, as I tucked away the borrrowed laptop I am using while my MacBook is under repair (see below), I should track down a long-lost (but close) friend, and I knew there'd be a way. If you're like me, you know that those who are your *true* friends are, indeed, trackable. I have not heard from said friend in yonks, not that I was worried. At all.
This morning, I awoke to find an email from her, and OH MY INDISPENSIBLE FVCKING GOD [epithetically speaking]... No doubt you know the rest.
I am not immune to the emotional pull of the ups and downs life offers, but I do succumb to them now and then. Perhaps I'm forgiven; perhaps I'm simply maudlin.
Anyway, my friend said, after trolling the 'Net and catching up with what's been going on with me over the past year and a half:
"You are exactly the kind of person that people like me want more of. You embody so much beautiful, flowering genius that you are bound to also carry the weight of the damage; you'd be hideously unlikeable otherwise. Still, please know that, even from afar, there are people who love you, who want to and who can help you carry that weight. I am one. And I am transmitting to you with the best of my intention, friend. I hope you can feel that."
Of course, I cried. Y'all know that.
I also hope that those who know me realize that I don't copy and paste the above for any reason other than to let others who might stumble upon this and be in a bit of, er, disarray, realize that YES!, despite the complexities, the loyalties, the whatevers, YOU possess all that there is to survive. And you CAN do it. You may be offered challenges, first-world or otherwise, but allow yourself the opportunity to meet or exceed them. Search for the answers. Don't worry about being smart. Just be sensible. Seriously sensible.
My good day was assessed according to a few outcomes, some trivial and some otherwise. For example, an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar resulted in the revelation that the data on my failing hard-drive are secure, and (hopefully) tomorrow, my MacBook will experience its own rebirth with files intact. But that's, as they say, "first-world".
More importantly, I realize from the above-mentioned email from my friend that I MATTER. I also had a good meeting with a community-based professional who is helping me close the stubborn door on my previous, abusive relationship.
I am indescribably thankful to all who have, in this topsy-turvy world where dogs eat dogs, turned their ears my way. You know who you are, and I love you for what you have offered me. It ain't all over, and it probably never will be in some respects, but I am a better, stronger person.
I am proud and content to say that.
