The Banal Chew

Bluntcards

So naughty. So wrong. But so funny!

 

Enjoy more chuckles here!

Nothing Yet

Just dealing with it in a way that's cheaper than Zoloft.

Time Out

I am taking a break from watching Wheezy Waiter to say...

Happy Easter!

 

Explosion!

My attraction to Wheezy Waiter is threatening to pass beyond the realms of infatuation and through the dreaded portal of fanatacism.

Passing fancy or stalking fodder?  Only time will tell.  Until then, enjoy!

 

I can't stop...

watching this!!!

Everything you wanted to know about Australia...and weren't afraid to ask

A friend forwarded the following to me a few months ago.  Although the joke is at least a decade old, somehow I hadn't seen or heard it yet.  Now whether these are real questions posted to a tourism website during the lead-up to the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, or a rehash of xenophobic comedy reworked to suit any Olympics-hosting country and circulated broadly (as Snopes.com purports in an overly analytical discussion), it's pretty damn funny.  Reportedly, the snarky responses are real as well.  One can only hope.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow?

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
 
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
 
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only 3000 miles, take lots of water.
 
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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
 
===================================================

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
 
===================================================

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross.....Come naked.
 
===================================================

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
 
===================================================

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.
 
===================================================

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is... oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.....Come naked.
 
===================================================

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
 
===================================================

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk
is illegal.
 
===================================================

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.  (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
 
===================================================

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
 
===================================================

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.
 
===================================================

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 
===================================================

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
 
===================================================

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
 
===================================================

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.  Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
 
===================================================

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first..........
 

Gallus gallus

I wrote a poem for Homer and his chicken, Henny-Penny.  When I lived in Homer's guesthouse earlier this year, and even though I grew tired of stepping in chickenpoo, I liked having Henny-Penny around.  Her gentle clucking was strangely comforting, and she certainly kept Martha the Puppy entertained. 

Anyway, I hope Homer likes the poem, despite its unfortunate ending.  For the record, I bear no ill-will toward the chicken.  Let's just call it poetic license.

The Tale of Henny-Penny

Henny-Penny went to town
To have her tooth capped with a crown,
(But Henny-Penny hadn't really any).

For Henny-Penny had eaten rocks,
Mistaking them for Homer's socks,
And heard a crack that made her quack, poor Henny!

While on her way to see the dentist
(Or perhaps his handsome male hygienist),
Henny-Penny felt her tummy rummy.

She stopped and bowed her head down low;
She cocked her eyeballs to and fro
And spied a lovely beetle lying fetal.

Without delay she took the plunge,
And at the insect she did lunge,
And with one peck did gobble up the bauble.

Alas, the truck she did not see,
Nor realized that in the street she be!
Poor Henny is now flat as any penny.

Grammar is War

Sunshine

...finally!

It has been raining in Sydney for nearly two weeks.  I don't mean once every other day.  All this while Victoria, our neighboring state, was burning.  While we were kicking aside one abandoned broken umbrella after another on our way down the city sidewalks, people's homes were succumbing to fireballs and disappearing faster than it takes to toast bread.  It's a crisis of unimaginable consequence. 

Lord, I do need a laugh.  This gave me a good one today.

Roger enjoyed the sun, too.  He's a bit tired of being toweled off after every journey to the sidewalk and dog park. 

Roger takes a break

And speaking of critters, did I mention Homer has a hen?  Why not jump on over and show him and Henny-Penny some love?

Tricky Stuff

Zane, Mark and I put together the Dragon Illusion last night.  I had seen one of the many YouTube video clips of this a couple of weeks ago and wanted to give it a try.  Zane was suitably spooked.  We all were, in fact.

Here is our contribution.

Want to make your own?  Go here, if you dare.  Roarrrrr!