The Banal Chew

And here we go

I should know better than to count on life settling.

Today is the beginning of a different path. It is my final day as a resident at Casa Brunswick. I have no idea what is ahead of me.

As previous blog posts have revealed, I have few words of my own to speak..not any that I should share publicly anyway. I have relied on the music and lyrics of Sara Bareilles to speak for me, and I will eventually end this post with yet another. Her songs span the gamut of emotions I am feeling, as do Adele's. Just not as relentlessly.

I leave Melbourne feeling sad, angry, deceived, embarrassed, humbled, bruised and defeated. The city has lost its charm and now exists for me simply as a signpost of everything that has been wrong over the past 8+ years. It's funny how things change.

Someday, I hope I can see past the charade and feel that I am a stronger man.

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King of Anything / Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

 

Uncharted

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before,
this is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, I've too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So low, never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

       -- Sara Bareilles

 

 

Chanson du jour

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

I don't say much and it'll stay that way
You got a steel train touch and I'm just a track you lay
So I'll stay right here underneath you
I'm just a basket case and that what we do

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case.

 

Freedom

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah, now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind

And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live.

--- Freedom / George Michael

Overwhelmingly sad today

This, too, shall pass.  Until then, I may as well wallow for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Number Seven

It has been seven years since Mark (and Zane) entered my life.  When we first met in Tucson, and after being dragged behind the truck of previous relationships, I thought I could never heal enough to find love again.  Was I ever wrong. 

It took Mark a while to convince me that I should open my heart again.  But once I did, I realized that here was a man who brought me contentment and joy that I had never felt so intensely.  That I never thought I could feel.

Mark is not known as a terribly patient man, but with me he was.  He may have been grumpy about my indecision over which restaurant I wanted to go to, which movie to see or what T-shirt to pull on, but when it came to waiting for me to accept (and return) his love, he had the patience of a heron. 

I do love you, Mark.  My life would have much less meaning without you.  Or without Zane.  You have brought me an awareness of self and existence that, although not always easy to deal with, has made me a stronger and better person. 

Thank you, and Happy Anniversary!

Finally, a good news day!

From U.S. District Court Judge Vaughan R. Walker's long-awaited decision, handed down just hours ago, on the question of legality of California's shameful Proposition 8 (italics mine):

CONCLUSION

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

Of course, the haters will see that the case is appealed, and it will undoubtedly end up in the hands of the Supreme Court justices before it's all over.  But let's take a moment to put down our picket signs, clipboards, checkbooks, close the lids of our notebook computers and pop corks to celebrate, just as we did in those heady pre-Prop 8 times to toast those who supported equality and to the 18,000+ newlyweds who have benefited from that choice!

Because We're Apart

 Lucky

(words & music by Colbie Callait, Tim Fagen, Jason Mraz)

Do you hear me talking to you
Across the water, across the deep blue ocean,
Under the open sky.
Oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy, I hear you in my dreams,
Feel your whisper across the sea,
Keep you with me in my heart.
You make it easier when life gets hard.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I have been,
Lucky to be coming home again.

They don't know how long it takes,
Waiting for a love like this.
Every time we say goodbye,
I wish we had one more kiss.
I'll wait for you.
I promise you, I will.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I have been,
Lucky to be coming home again.
Lucky we're in love every way,
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed,
Lucky to be coming home someday.

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet.
You'll hear the music, feel the air.
I'll put a flower in your hair.

And though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty, you're all I see.
As the world keeps spinning round,
You hold me right here right now.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I have been,
Lucky to be coming home again.
Lucky we're in love every way,
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed,
Lucky to be coming home someday.

Jump here for the song and video.

(photo by Mila Zinkova, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike license versions 3.0, 2.5, 2.0, and 1.0.)

Hotting up

I've always hated that phrase.  A former professor of mine used it quite often during rehearsals.  "And in these bars, we'll hot it up."  What. Ever. Mary. 

Anyway, as our departure for the U.S. draws nearer and nearer, that phrase keeps popping into my head.  The pace is quickening, as we knew it would.  There's much to be done.  time is lacking.  Stress levels are rising.  Tempers are flaring.  Feelings are hurting.  Diets are suffering.  Workouts at the gym are rare.  I would guess that everyone knows how it goes. 

Last night, Mark and I had our last night alone in our own place for the foreseeable future.  Zane has been away on a school excursion and comes back home tonight, and tomorrow our new tenant moves in.  So unless Zane makes some new friends in Tucson (which he will) and has some sleepovers at their house, that's it for a long time. 

So how did we spend our last night alone?  We had a candlelight dinner, engaged in some lively discussion about how to manage everything and see everyone before we leave, and then we were asleep by 9:30pm.  Oh, the joys of moving house.

The L & M Words

I'm lucky, I know.

I have a partner who tells me he loves me. 
I have a son who tells me he loves me. 
I have family who tell me they love me.
I have friends who tell me they love me. 

And I like that. 

Someday, Mark and I will be able to marry and have it recognized at a federal level, both in the U.S. and Australia.  Fortunately, I could move to Australia as Mark's partner, which is something the U.S. doesn't allow.  It is infuriating that international, opposite-sex couples can marry and have that union recognized for immigration in the U.S.  It is a right denied to Mark and me...and to many other same-sex couples.

It is unfair.  Simply unfair.

I'm glad times are changing, but there's still much work to be done.

Please go here to illustrate your support for Freedom to Marry week...at whatever level.