The Banal Chew

Fahr wohl, Herr Fischer-Dieskau!

I have been so busy with personal housekeeping and moving around Sydney that Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau's death a number of days ago went unnoticed by my eyes. I am sure many music colleagues updated their Facebook status with RIPs. How I missed even that, I am not sure.

As a voice student at university, I spent many hours listening to Fischer-Dieskau's intoxicatingly sublime baritone voice while studying vocal literature and German diction. The impact of his recordings of lieder by Schubert and other composers was (and still is) undeniably huge on the education of young singers.

Years later, as a professional singer, I returned to the recordings of Fischer-Dieskau again and again as a reference point for my own interpretations of German art song. These days, I listen to him for pleasure, but while doing so, I cannot help but continue to pay close attention to the manner in which he takes a texted melody (of any era or language, for that matter) and shapes it lovingly and artfully into something so personal that one is almost embarrassed at times to be privy to the performance.

This is a big loss for the music world, but the many recordings he made during the latter half of the 20th century remain as a testament to the astonishing mark he made in the area of classical music.

 

Fischer-Dieskau and Alfred Brendel (piano)
Der Leiermann by Franz Schubert

 

Fischer-Dieskau and Wolfgang Sawallisch (piano)
Mondnacht by Robert Schumann

 

Fischer-Dieskau and Hartmut Höll (piano)
L'heure exquise by Reynaldo Hahn

 

 

The Welfare State

It's official:  I'm on the dole.

I am not proud. Rather, I am humbled. I am also thankful. And I am sad.

I have never accessed welfare benefits before, and I must admit it has been difficult to admit that I have to resort to it. But nine months of continued unemployment tend to hack away at the confidence in one's ability to self sustain. Fuck the stigma.

Ever since Mark ended our relationship a few weeks ago, a few folks have asked why I don't just pack up and move back to the US. There are a number of reasons for that, some simple and some complex. Unless they have been through it, I don't think anyone understands what it means to move to another country for a partner--especially during middle age and after just receiving a doctorate, (thereby charting a professional path that would ultimately lead nowhere in the new hemisphere). It wasn't easy to get here. Why the hell should it be easy to leave?

Anyway, being on welfare won't be forever. It may not even be for a month. But for however long it lasts, I am thankful. I wouldn't receive the same benefits in the US. Not at all.

I am optimistic regarding my chances of finding work in Sydney. I like Melbourne, but obviously my shingle wasn't welcome to hang there. So be it.

And here we go

I should know better than to count on life settling.

Today is the beginning of a different path. It is my final day as a resident at Casa Brunswick. I have no idea what is ahead of me.

As previous blog posts have revealed, I have few words of my own to speak..not any that I should share publicly anyway. I have relied on the music and lyrics of Sara Bareilles to speak for me, and I will eventually end this post with yet another. Her songs span the gamut of emotions I am feeling, as do Adele's. Just not as relentlessly.

I leave Melbourne feeling sad, angry, deceived, embarrassed, humbled, bruised and defeated. The city has lost its charm and now exists for me simply as a signpost of everything that has been wrong over the past 8+ years. It's funny how things change.

Someday, I hope I can see past the charade and feel that I am a stronger man.

------------

King of Anything / Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

 

Uncharted

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before,
this is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, I've too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So low, never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

       -- Sara Bareilles

 

 

Chanson du jour

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

I don't say much and it'll stay that way
You got a steel train touch and I'm just a track you lay
So I'll stay right here underneath you
I'm just a basket case and that what we do

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case.