The Banal Chew

But you can call me Caffeina

I get a lot of spam.  I guess I'm not alone in that regard. 

I decided recently that, instead of getting upset and stressed about it, I should start celebrating it.  After all, it really is worth a good laugh.

Some of my spam subject lines for the week:

• Brunette with huge t!ts fingering p&ssy hardcore  [eeew]
• Congratulations, "Caffeina", your free account has been activated  [cool!]
• Supersize her happy meal...  [no thanks; just regular, please]
• Girlboys banging each other like beasts. Hairmeal   [huh?]
• When you are sexually aroused, your brain secretes a hormone causing blood to rush to... [OH, is that what it is?]
• top my mkjy Miss rd lxjrb  [I think I need to brush up on my Spaminese]
• Itsthewaytolivehappilysuperviagra  [nothanksamquitehappysuperalready]

Flashforward Friday

Outlawed items:

• Leaf-blowers
• Thongs (the flip-flop kind) that scrape the ground
• Loud Harleys
• Cigarettes
• Banks (credit unions rule!)
• Telemarketing
• Junk mail
• Plastic shopping bags
• Gasoline-powered engines
• Paparazzi
• Hate speech, constitutionally protected or not
• Inequitable government spending between war and the arts

Surely I'm forgetting something...

Midweek Fancying

He fancies...

He fancies not...

He fancies...

He fancies not...

He fancies...

He fancies not...

He fancies...

He fancies not...

Duh, anyone know the zipcode for Taiwan?

"Um, no Quincy.  If you weren't so busy bidding for Jessica Simpson's panties on eBay, you might have realized we said HELICOPTER BATTERIES, you stupid flog!"

Holy Whisker-Burn, Batman

... my chin is cold!

You Tell 'Em, Mr. Lynch!

Jesus, I love candor.

David Lynch briefly commenting on, um, alternative movie-watching

Happy Easter, ye Christenpeeps!

Study hard

My hubby's mom retired a few months ago and has recently begun a course of study to become a teaching assistant.  Because they hail from an Aboriginal family, Mark is recommending she check out AbStudy to provide financial assistance with her schooling. 

I saw this today, and it shifted my thoughts to a completely different kind of ab study.

How To Appreciate Advertising...Without Really Trying

I had hopes at the beginning of the week that I might be Australia's next "Glenn".  (If you've ever been to the movies at a mainstream cinema in Sydney, chances are you know who I mean.)

When I got home from errand-running on Monday, I had a number of messages on the phone from a casting firm with whom I'd signed up a few months ago.  They'd just put my name forward for a television commercial, and the directors were interested in auditioning me.  Oooh!  When I called to get more info and asked for tips on what they were looking for, I was told they were seeking men, aged 25-38 (oh, flattered!), quirky in appearance, and with an indie movie look.  Hmm, okay.  They emailed me the script, and upon reading it, I quickly realized the directors were basically looking for guys who could play dorks and losers. 

"Well," I said, winking at myself in the mirror, "I can do that!"  My character actor days go wayyyy back.  A critic didn't once call me the Barney Fife of the stage for nothing!

So I went to the audition, sauntering through the Professional Entrance of Fox Studios like the world's shortest Hugh Jackman.  Then I saw the line-up. 

Anyway, I did okay.  I even made the call-backs.  No further calls yet, however.  At least it was a little something to tickle my thespian pickle again.  I met some nice people, too.  Apparently, I should get a bona fide agent to really score some work, be it in commercials or other.  The mind ponders.

Speaking of ads, have a look at the following.  It's definitely worth a giggle, and the serious message might even have an impact on you.  As a cyclist, it's particularly meaningful to me.

 

(Click the pic to open a new window and watch.)

Rugger Bugger VI

This year's Rugger Bugger, the annual fundraiser for the Sydney Convicts rugby team, took place on Saturday.  Of course, the cash cow is the Full Monty show that happens each year, but the routine that I was asked to participate in was also great fun.  My fellow Convict Converts and I shook our money-makers for all it was worth.  The place was packed.  Honestly, I didn't expect the overwhelming rush of energy from the crowd.  They ate it up, and we loved it!  It was quite a departure from my days of singing Bach arias in front of quiet audiences. 

Despite a gaff or two here and there, like the DJ starting our music way too early (grrrr..can't they follow written instructions?) and a fluff or two with the choreography, the routine went very well.  I continue to beat myself up for screwing up during the one part that I had down pat, but I'm my own worst critic.  All in all, it was a bang-up show.  And I LOVE my vintage eBay kilt.  I will definitely wear it again sometime. 

Mini rant:  I have to admit I was put off by the backstage activities of many of the performers from the strip act.  They're all lovely guys, but why oh why did they need to relieve themselves directly on the floor at the end where our group was changing?  I had canvas bags on the floor, people!  Canvas!  Do you know how absorbent that fabric is.  Of course you do...you're gay!  Maybe if you weren't so busy downing shot after shot of some unknown alcoholic beverage, you wouldn't need to piss on my stuff.  Methinks you should think twice about agreeing to show your junk, if on the night you need all that liquid encouragement to do so.  The glow-in-the-dark body paint was cool though.

Anyway, the video clip is below. The audio was deafeningly loud, so you might want to turn down your speakers, as it comes across as massively distorted on the clip.  The song is MC Hammer's rendition of Do Not Pass Me By.  The number was choreographed by the wonderful Jason Brown, who put in many hours to practice with all of us.  He's the one lip-syncing the rap, by the way.  What a performer! 

Some pictures of the event, taken by Rod Spark, may be found here.

Flashback Friday

It's been a while, but Flashback Friday has returned.

For the occasion, I've created a meme.  (I don't chain them, but feel free to copy to your own blog, if you'd like.  Be sure to leave me a comment to let me know you did, so I can go check out your answers!)

If it's possible for you to remember the following events, in 15 words or fewer, describe your experience with them.

1. The assassination of Robert Kennedy.
   Playing on the floor at Grandma's. She was crying while she ironed.
2. The stroke of midnight on the first day of Year 2000.
   Watched on TV all the people who had traveled so far to celebrate. Wondered why.
3. You first saw/heard your mother cry.
   My heart sank. I thought the world was ending.
4. A teacher falsely accused you of something.
   4th grade. Mrs. Dimmit said I swore, but I didn't...dammit! 500-words, please.
5. The Challenger space shuttle tragedy.
   My voice lesson interrupted by phone call from teacher's wife. He went pale. Lesson canceled.
6. You bought your first piece of designer anything.
   A lavender, Polo Ralph Lauren oxford cloth button-down shirt. Mmmhmm.
7. The first time you heard a) Little Red Corvette, b) Billie Jean, or c) Material Girl.
   LRC -- at Zippers, a gay nightclub in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
8. You first fell in love.
   Arrived home; found person I was dating wearing only an apron, cooking my birthday dinner.
9. You walked out of a movie.
   300 -- okay, I shut down the DVD player, but I would have walked out anyway.
10. The Chernobyl disaster.
    Too self-absorbed during college, but rekindled memories of high-school protests following Three Mile Island accident.
11. A beloved idol disappointed you.
    Heard Fleetwood Mac live, and regretted it. One word for you, Stevie: intonation!
12. You first questioned the truth behind whatever religion you were brought up with.
    Looking at the propagandistic illustrations of black stains on one's soul in my catechism text.
13. The first time anyone asked you to dance.
    At Zippers, while Little Red Corvette was playing. I said yes.
14. You suffered your first broken bone.
    Around five years ago; caught little toe on Roger's dog crate while rushing to rehearsal.
15. The first time you heard the word "blog".
    From Homer, some years ago while hanging out with him during my Tucson days.

--------------------------------

Oops.  I forgot yesterday.  Here are the answers to Tuesday's puzzles:

The lines are parallel.  Something about white boxes next to black ones creating an optical illusion...eh, I don't know.

Dane stain
snail trail
heart smart
party hardy
Gromit vomit
Lean queen-zine

The Red in Redneck

Note to self:  Don't take a job in Oklahoma.  Ever.

"I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam."

Know what Sally Kern, a Sooner State Representative, was talking about when she uttered those words during a "secret" talk with some fellow political masturbators Republicans? 

Homosexuality. 

That's right.  Apparently, I'm more threatening than a suicide bomber.  Who'd have thought?  Little ol' me.

Scared, ignorant hicks...still pushing this nonsense of the homosexual agenda. Phooey.

I grew up 30 miles from the Oklahoma border and even lived in Tulsa for a couple of years.  Yuck. Am I ever glad I am now in Sydney!

F*ck off, Rep. Kern!

Spoofing the spoof

At first, I thought, "God love her."  Then I realized what she was doing, and I changed my thought to, "You go, girl!"

Check it out, then watch the clip below of Haley Bennett portraying the Britnakira pop star, Cara Corman, from the movie Music and Lyrics.  There's so much so wrong about it, that it makes Kat (in the first video) seem a lot less insane.  Buddha's delight, indeed.

Exercise your head

March 10 to 16 is International Brain Awareness Week. 

Why not treat your gray matter to a little work-out?

Go ahead.  What'll it hurt?

 

Are the rows in this image parallel?
If no, in which direction do they slant?
If yes, any idea why they don't look it?
(image from SharpBrains)

The answers to the following clues are two-word rhymes. 

Example: The monsters under my bed stay there because of my...
            night light.

1. Birthmark on a person from Copenhagen...

___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

2. Gastropod residue...

___ ___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

3. Eating a diet low in cholesterol and fats...

___ ___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

4. To enjoy festivities in a big way...

___ ___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

5. What Wallace might see after treating his pup to too much cheese...

___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___

Bonus.  Lite, underground reading material for a female impersonator...

___ ___ ___ ___     ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ ___

(Puzzle modeled after that found on the Dana Foundation website.  Answers on Thursday!)

Banalité du jour

I had an interview today for an administrative position within a local choral arts organization.  I am massively overqualified for about 90% of the job.  The other 10% is stuff that I've never directly overseen at the level required, but given my experience and training, could be learned readily. 

Based on the dispassionate countenance of the interviewers, I'm skeptical of my chances.  Blind Freddy could see that, for this role, I'm probably 1) too old, 2) over-educated, and 3) desperate for work in my field.  But at least I didn't grovel.  I'm proud of myself for that.

The first thing they asked me was a fairly standard interview-type question:

If a good friend were to describe you in a few words, what would they say?

I'm not fond of that type of thing.  Yes, in my past experience as a manager who conducted interviews, I've fallen into the trap of asking things like that, but I've never been comfortable on the other end.  I don't like to give answers based on what I think someone wants to hear.  I gave up that kind of thing when I finished my grad school. 

So I pictured what a dear friend in Tucson, who always speaks honestly, directly and with amazing candor, might say.  I answered, "hard-working, talented, full of integrity, friendly, smart, intellectual."  As I was feeding them the descriptors, they scribbled little notes.  I began wondering if, instead of writing down what I was actually saying, they were writing, "arrogant American."  I'm my own worst enemy.

-------------------------------

After the interview, I came home and faced more VPN hell.  I hadn't been able to log on and work all day.  A severe late-winter storm has hit the region where the main office of the company for whom I work part-time, remotely is located.  It seems all the servers are offline. 

Because I'm not salaried in this role, not being able to log in means no pay for the day.  Now I have to squeeze in the lost hours during my "off" time.  That makes me grumpy.  It used to be somewhat consoling to say that someday I'll get a real job and I won't have to worry about this.  It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't already been telling myself that for about 5 years now.

-------------------------------

Tomorrow should be better.

Winds of Change for an Aching Land?

Can you imagine:

• having had the same bullying head of government since 1980?
• working for said political leader, who dines in unsubtle opulence, while you can barely afford a single meal a day?
• forking over $10 billion for a cup of milk?
• being forced to suffer a life-threatening illness, because hospitals cannot afford anesthesia?
• alternatively, having the surgery without it?
• watching the majority of people around you, including your children, die of HIV-related disease, easily cured illnesses, or starvation?

As the Gray Lady reports, the former Republic of Rhodesia is slated to hold elections in a few weeks. 

As Barry Bearak writes, "Robert G. Mugabe has run this country for so long that his presence is like some common particulate in the air, taken in with every breath."  (Man, I love the Times.)

Whether Mugabe finally loses his office in Zimbabwe will probably be determined by a fair election process (yeah, right), a coup (improbable) or luck (likely).  It's frustrating to read about the situation, and not just because I'd really like to see Victoria Falls someday, but primarily because there is little anyone can do. 

So while we in the U.S. (virtually or otherwise) bury our heads in the current battles leading up to the November election, some fellow humans across the globe are simply trying to deal with and turn around a suppurative crisis that has been festering for half a century.  It's probably worth lifting our faces now and again to keep such things in mind.

Friday already?

Yes, I've recovered...although it wasn't until mid-week that I felt as much. (Kindly refrain from age comments, please.)

I think it was the dancin' I have done all week that has helped. No, I've not been shaking my moneymaker at a club. I had enough of that on the weekend at the MG Party. Rather, this grooving has been in the confines of my own home or a rehearsal venue.  You see, I've been asked to join some friends in a routine for this year's Rugger Bugger show, an annual fundraising venture for the Sydney Convicts rugby team.

Looks like all those jazz dance classes during my musical-theater-wannabe years may not be for naught after all!  My two feet will find a way.

Oh, and no, I won't be displaying my bits during the Full Monty segment.  That's for the hunky rugby fellas later in the evening.  I'm in the warm-up show..and quite happy to leave it at that!

Mardi Gras 2008

My, oh my.  What a weekend. 

This year's Mardi Gras was, in a word, sensational.  What I like is that the festival is so big and takes place over the course of many weeks, a person can pick and choose how s/he wants to participate. 

Our first year in Sydney, Mark and I went to Fair Day and marched in the parade with the Sydney Convicts rugby team.  We had only moved to Sydney a few months prior, and Mark had just started playing with the team.  We didn't know all that many people, nor did we have our wits about us in enough time to score a ticket to the party, so we simply went home after the parade.

The next year, we had become good friends with a number of Convicts players, and after marching again in the parade with them, this time we went to the party as well.  I had been to a couple of dance events before, but this blew everything out of the water.  Despite the fatigue from standing around in the parade line for nearly 4 hours, the march itself, and then some personal conflict between a few members of our gang, it was a fabulous night.  The best part was dancing in the courtyard the following morning, bathed in bright sunshine.

This year, I had an animal-massage booth at Mardi Gras Fair Day a couple of weekends ago.  It was an expensive endeavor which hasn't resulted in any clients yet, but it was a fun day anyway.  Mark and I decided to skip the parade this time and focus our energy on the party and being with friends beforehand.  We joined our rugby fellas there, and I also made a point to catch up with Mykel, who looked incredible in his devil outfit. 

As an added bonus, James, a Kiwi buddy now living in Melbourne, and Matt, his friend from the U.K. but now traveling the world for a year, came to Sydney and have stayed with us for the past six days.  It has been swell having them both around.  I feel I've got to know James better, and made a new friend (Matt) as well.  I'll miss them, but I suppose all good things must come to the proverbial end.

Now to recover.  No really, recover.

Matt, Mark, James, YT -- Pre-MG Party